Jersey Shore: A Field Study

Jersey Shore is like opening a tiny present to find it is full of diamonds, but diamonds made of booze, puke, fights, diseases, and discarded thongs. You thought this gift couldn’t get better, but it does. It really, really does.

Margaret Mead had the Samoans, Dian Fossey had gorillas, and the rest of us have the eight guidos on Jersey Shore for the most important anthropological study of its day. MTV has chosen four men and four women to live in a house in Seaside Heights, New Jersey, which we hear is called “Sleazeside Heights” in the local vernacular. What is assembled here is not only excellent entertainment, but a breakthrough in media and the science of reality television as a whole.

What we’ve grown accustomed to are two types of non-competitive reality shows, both pioneered by MTV. There is the Real World species and The Hills species. Jersey Shore is descended from the former type, but is so unique in its evolution that it is a new creature onto itself. For a Real Worldicus Americanus to be a viable animal, producers are looking to cast easy to recognize “types”: annoying drunk girl, the slut, angry black man, the violent guy, the flamboyant gay, the sassy black lady, the country bumpkin, the religious zealot. Most of these shows feature a number of types that, when combined will be explosive. While the people go into the show thinking that they are individuals, they are quickly molded into their pre-written role thanks to editing, trickery, and a little bit of Stockholm Syndrome. The participants think of themselves as more than just a stereotype, but that is what they are to us.

The amazing thing about Jersey Shore is that it is comprised of only one very distinctive type—the guido—and it is a type in which all of the participants not only willingly identify, but glorify. They are not afraid of being seen as a stereotype because they want to be the big-haired, muscled out, tanned freak in a too-tight Armani Exchange top. While the rest of society may deride the guido, these specimens see nothing wrong with it, because they live in a universe where it is the norm. Based on the other inmates in the Sleazeside Heights zoo, there is nothing manufactured about these people. They do not possess the fame-seeking guile of the Speidis of the world, because their only aspiration is to be revered as the ultimate guido. Because of this, no coaxing into conformity with reality show norms is needed. All the cameras have to do is sit back and observe.

Their disconnect with the byways of mainstream society is especially observed in the environment in which they have been placed, a three-level shore house directly on the boardwalk. When some set designer from New York tricked it out for the show, he snarkily filled it with Italian flags, sparkly sofas, posters of Scarface, maps of New Jersey, tacky couches, and leopard print bedspreads. The residents find nothing kitschy or campy about this set at all. Instead of the intended irony, they only see “class” (see below).

We already met those on the other side of the glass, but lets learn a little bit more about their specific genus.

Angelina: She arrives at the house carrying all her belongings in trash bags, that makes us want to call her Trash Bags. However, she seems to take inexplicable joy in making sure the males of the house do not get to mate. Because of this, we want to call her Blue Balls. Trash Bags or Blue Balls, please help us decide. Maybe her aversion to the other males getting attention is because she has a boyfriend at home, so she is not getting any loving while she tries to stay faithful. She is complex, but lazy.

JWOWW: Is the human embodiment of Stripperella except she tries to cover it up by dying most of her hair brunette. The white pieces still show through, as do her enormous breast implants, which she displays in shirts that look like a glittery Ace bandage leisurely draped over two toddler’s heads. She is a slut who takes pleasure in making men want her and then making their lives hell. She is very dangerous when provoked. Also, we like to call her ShamWOWW because everything about her is fake.

The Situation: A prevalence of referring to oneself in the third person is usually a symptom of low self-esteem masked by fake bravado, and The Situation (real name: Mike) is a perfect example. He thinks that all the ladies love him, but he needs them to love him. His name describes his defined abdominal muscles, which he describes as a “situation.” The physical perfection he tries to achieve is meant to make up for lack of security he feels in himself. He appears to be a strong alpha, but he is really a sad, sad follower.

Snooki: If there was a Guido equivalent of a fag hag, it would be Snooki. She will do anything to please the men in her life, even though none of them desire her sexually. Also she resorts to extreme tactics when no one is paying attention to her. She clings to the outmoded standard of beauty that she claims to have created (”the poof”) even though her peers shun it. She also can not operate simple machinery.

DJ Pauly D: Has about the ugliest collection of tribal markings outside of the before pictures in a tattoo removal ad. Yes, it says Cadillac down his side, most likely so that the women who lie next to him in bed will have something to read. He has no morals when it comes to mating and will do anything for the attention of the ladeez. Once he finally blinds them with the aberrant scribbles on his skin, he takes them home where he marks their vaginas internally with his pierced penis. They will always bear the mark of DJ Pauly D—a herpes blister and labial scar from the cuts made by his Prince Albert. He also likes to fight.

Ronnie: Though smart when it comes to dealing with women, his size, bravado, and penchant for making fruity drinks belies a more “sensitive” side. “The Situation” can see the situation clearly and thinks that his romantic rival is in love with him. We can not say that he is wrong. Like most people hiding secrets, Ronnie is full of anger. That might also be the steroids, but we’re going with secrets.

Sammy: This self-described sweetheart is a Helen of Troy type. She needs to have men going to war for her in order to crown a clear victor. She likes to think of herself as the mothering type who will make a great cook and raise a big Italian brood, but she will never be able to settle down because the constant conflict does not work well with monogamy. However, she is still looking for the Darwinian ideal to bed her, and only the strongest survive. The weak can all die, for all she cares, preferably at her hand.

Vinny: Vinny has been ruined by his mother to thinking that he is better than he truly is. He feels that because he is young and educated he somehow has a leg up on his comrades. At the same time, he does not alter his conformity to their standards of appearance or behavior. He will eventually have a psychotic break where he will move to Vermont and try to reinvent himself as an organic, vegan farmer. He will fail and have to move back with his mother.

There are the creatures that we are forced to ponder. Of course, there are a few words that one must know to understand their sophisticated patois:

• Classy: This is a standard of beauty and behavior to which all aspire. While the taste and requirements are subjective, the directive is absolute: one must be classy.
• Trashy: The opposite of “classy” and includes behavior like taking off one’s thong in a hot tub, bringing people home from a club, and cheating on one’s boyfriend (but not one’s girlfriend). While the guido may refer to behavior in another as “trashy” that same behavior in oneself is often deemed “classy.”
• Vibing: Getting along with and flirting with a member of the opposite sex.
• Dogging On: Making out with or engaging in sexual tomfollery when in a public setting.
• Pounding Out: Engaging in sexual intercourse with someone-hopefully in a private setting, but not necessarily.
• Blow-out: The type of ornate plumage the male employs that requires a blow dryer and several tubes of hair gel to perfect.
• Sluts: To men a “slut” is both any woman who wants to have sex with him and any woman who doesn’t want to have sex with him, which means all women are sluts. To the female it is all women other than herself. It can also be a term of sexual empowerment for a woman, unless applied to one who is not “classy,” then it is the ultimate insult

http://gawker.com/5419125/jersey-shore-a-field-study/gallery/